January 10, 2005
Celebrity War I
Interview with Jesse Allender
People still think that the first Celebrity War was sparked by the Cruise/Lohan declaration of sovereignty -- that's what they'll end up re-enacting on the History Channel, anyway -- but I think it happened before any of that. I think it started way back in ‘oh five with Clooney and Soderberg and that TV show, because that was the first time we realized just how much they hated us.
At least that's what I was thinking about on Manson Night, crouching in eucalyptus on the hill. We had been waiting there in the heat since noon and my legs were cramped so I did some stretches and tried to clear my mind. Serena had a copy of US magazine and a red marker and she was flipping though it and circling faces and then X’ing them out. Our blogger was standing off in the distance composing shots on his digital camera. I was thinking about that show.
When the sun started to set Serena took out her watch and gave us all the look to get ready. We picked up our blankets and shuffled out of the brush. Everything was silent except for the buzz of cicadas and the hum of the fence, and we waited while Serena watched the minutes on her clock tick by. Finally a bird called out Woo Hoo, Senrena called out Now!, and there was the pop from the fence shorting out. We took our blankets and tossed them over the razor wire and then alley-oop and up as planned and everyone was over.
Down in the valley below we could make out the road and the hacienda with the luxury cars out front. The swimming pool was glowing like a radioactive kidney and they were all out there at a picnic table drinking and playing cards. Their laughter floated up to us through the night, and it was strange because we we could recognize each laugh. It was like overhearing your family talking in the next room. Julia’s especially. Her laugh seemed like something from my own memory, and I could feel it tingle on the back of my neck.
That was the hardest thing to get past. The laughter. After that it was all downhill, as they say. I went first, flying quiet as I could, the rest thumping down behind me. At the bottom of the hill I came whipping round the corner and onto the stone patio. They were at the other end sitting at the table and laughing at something Clooney had said and then the laughter stopped and so did I. We all did. Everyone but Clooney.
Clooney was smoking a cigar and it made a cloud around his head. When he realized that everyone had gone silent he turned around slowly and looked me right in the eye. And he laughed. He started laughing so hard he had to stop looking, and then the rest of them started laughing too. He stood up and wobbled over to me with his arm out and said, oh man, Matt got us this time. That bastard, and I felt such a wash of emotion then…like I’d never felt anything before.
We left their heads floating in the pool, and set out at dawn to find Favreau's place.
