March 10, 2006
Lobster Fhtagn
That hairy lobster is the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.
Whenever I see a picture of it a spark goes off in my mind. It's a warning from the part of consciousness that was once sea-dwelling -- the part that says, turn, swim, fast, away.
I'm on the subway reading the paper and there it is: "Kiwa Hirsute Discovered!". I fold the article over, but the creature's silky hair seems to follow me through the pages. I'm compelled to throw the newspaper away -- the creature has corrupted it.
At work I see a picture of it on someone's blog (But How Does it Taste?) Funny, but my legs have gone numb under the desk. I know better, but my body is telling me he's down there, reaching out his hairy claws, blindly nipping.
The creature was caught by a US-French submarine expedition near Easter Island. That whole area of the world should be deemed catch-and-release -- nothing good can come of those waters. Why do you think they built those heads? To keep the motherfucking blind albino hairy lobsters off their shores!
Last night he was on the edges of my dreams, splashing around in the brackish murk between sleep and waking...clawing blindly and...dear god...singing in some low, otherworldly whisper.
Someone needs to take a hammer to that thing. Crush it and push it back into the crevasse it came from, then seal it off. It's a savage response, sure, but there's a reason the natives of newly-discovered lands tend to throw explorers off cliffs in elaborate ceremonies. You have to take a stand against the invasion. That creature is an emissary from the lowest depths, and the horrible process that spawned it surly spawned other, greater and more ancient monsters: blinder, click clackier, with larger claws, and longer hair.
Get behind me lobster.
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Speaking of which -- The H.P. Lovecraft Societies' amateur version of The Call of Chtulu is a fantastic little movie. It has the look and feel of an old silent film, from the expressionist sets to the caked on make-up. And they managed to capture the arch silliness of Lovecraft, without sacrificing the genuine creepiness of his work. This is what indie film should be.
And also on the horror tip -- David Wellington's Monster Island; A Zombie Novel, is arriving in stores as we speak. I'm proud to say that the novel was first serialized on these august pages, so if you haven't yet, go pre-order a copy.
